“…A tired father!  Finding parking spaces! DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!  Donations! Facing my in-laws Five months of bills! Writing out those Christmas cards! Hangovers! Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?  And finding a Christmas tree.”

I dunno about y’all but this song makes me laugh EVERY time.  Maybe it’s because I remember my dad busting out extra cuss words when the tree lights didn’t work or my brother and sister and I fighting while finding a Christmas tree.  Well, maybe we just fought while we were decorating it…

Honestly,  though, the only thing this song is missing is a line about falling through the ceiling.  Yup.  My dad fell through the ceiling one year.  Our attic was kinda sketchy and I’m sure we’d annoyed the crap outta him…I WISH I remembered it for myself but I’ve heard the story so many times it’s almost like I was there. In my mind’s eye, I can see two legs frantically dangling through the hall ceiling and hear the cursing that was- thank goodness-muffled by the Levi Garrett chewing tobacco he was never without.

Ah, Christmas memories.

One thing that’s absent from this song that I’m a little shocked about is that there’s absolutely no mention that wrapping presents is a pain in the ass.  Is it because people generally enjoy this part?  I dunno.  Honestly, I don’t even wrap the presents in my house.  My husband does it and FINE BY ME!  One thing I’ve learned from him since he took over this duty is to just keep it simple.

Keep. It. Simple.  That’s actually the tenth step in this 12 step to a freak-out free Christmas. KEEP.THE.GIFT.WRAP. SIMPLE.

I wanna tell you a little story about a girl who loves curling ribbon.  Holy crap, she LOVES it. Unfortunately for her, her cats also love it. They love eating it and then barfing it back up. Usually on or near the present from which it originated. Know what that means for this girl? No ribbons on Christmas presents.  At first it made her a little sad.  She missed them.  She longed for them. They presents just looked unfinished without them. Over time, though, she realized that no ribbons meant not having to worry about ’em gettin’ squished.  It meant not havin’ to buy ’em too.  It also made her realize that it’s okay if her gifts aren’t the most gorgeous ones under the tree.  (She hated to admit it, but that last one hurt.  She MAY have issues with over-achieving…)

It’s pretty clear this girl I’m talkin’ about is me, huh? Yep, I struggle against this whole idea of “perfect” myself .  And the main  reason I don’t feel bad constantly reminding you that we need to determine our own brand of perfection is because I’m constantly reminding myself of that too.

I actually have this fantasy. (Don’t worry, Kid Rock isn’t in it.  Well, not this one.)  My favorite WRAPPING  fantasy is having all of closest friends over for a straight up wrapping PAR-TAY.  Each person brings a roll of paper and a package of their favorite ribbon.  Maybe an adult beverage and yummy snack too.  Then we sit at my enormous dining room table and share paper and our favorite heartfelt childhood Christmas memories while we bask in friendship and togetherness awash in the tunes of Bing Crosby that waft through the air.  Oh yeah, and we get all our wrapping done too.

First of all, I don’t have a dining room table.  I don’t even have a kitchen table.  We have a foos ball table.  Not very practical when you need a flat surface.  Second of all, when my friends and I get together we usually talk about poop and laugh until we cry at “That’s What She Said” jokes.  Or spend our time making up “Would You Rather” questions.  There’s no way all that fantastic “childish” behavior is gonna go on sabbatical so we can manipulate some unrealistic afterschool special-esque pre-holiday bonanza.  Like we have time for that anyway.

And like I said, I’m not even the present wrapper in our house. Mr. One Organized Girl sits down in front of a movie and knocks it out.  It’s not even a Christmas movie!  Well, unless Jason Bourne is one of your Nativity characters. I’m not even allowed to help.  Apparently I don’t wrap well enough to meet his standards.

See, the goal is to GET ALL THE PRESENTS WRAPPED. Not to try to go into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most gorgeous gift wrap of all time.

Keep in mind that I’m not bashing the fact that you want everything to be just right.  I just want you to realize that YOU get to determine your own brand of perfection instead of trying to live up to some bullshit version we’ve been fed our entire lives. 

So far I haven’t managed to have a girls only wrapping party but that’s not to say it will never happen.  In this season of my life I’m striving for what’s best for me and being content with THAT version of perfection.  Think of it like math.  How much easier is it to multiply once you’ve memorized those multiplication tables?  Getting the basics in place FIRST just means you’re gonna have a much easier time with the complicated stuff.  Same with wrapping gifts.

And the basics means KEEPING. IT. SIMPLE. Once you can handle simple THEN it’s okay to add as many bits of fancy as you can handle!

Here are a few things to keep in mind when it comes to gift wrap…